A fragmented existence
Saturday, February 09, 2008
It feels strange, these days. Sometimes I wonder if im losing my mind, or am just too tired by the time , but everywere I look around I feel like I am seeing scenes from home. I thought the TV screen in a coffeeshop was showing a Pakistani TV channel, and I often see people who look vaguely familiar, except they’re not at all.
In the past few months, I have become acutely aware of behavioral system clashes – I realize so many of the behaviors I sought to adhere to at home clash with how people act and behave here. This is purely related to AIESEC, because culturally I find other differences, of a more pleasant kind. But the acute feeling of homesickness, (that I think I am proud of feeling, simply because it tells me of what are the things I valued and miss, as opposed to when I lived at home, and so many things were what I took for granted). But the feeling of being lost in translation, of having blank looks and stares on either sides, of people just not understanding that this (the introverted, quiet person) is who I really am, and I am not uncaring, its because I find the seemingly required change process, against what I believe in and stand for.
This is not meant to be a reflection on all the people I have met and worked with in this country, for even in the madding crowds, I have met people who simultaneously keep up a constant flow of bilingual translation and make an effort at empathy.
I speak to three of my closest friends almost everyday, and between our common sighs, crazy plans for the future and an understanding that we are trying to come to terms with our past and our present and our future, I realize that to me, it is truly love, friendship and all the sappy annotations personified when I know that despite them being tired, overworked, exhausted, battling different timezones, expensive text messaging rates and faulty internet connections, I can always reach out and chatter on. And despite the fact that sometimes it is very, very hard for me to explain what it really is that is going through my head, or for me to understand stories in fragments, it has kept me going, helped me smile, and helped me breathe when I wanted to panic and board a plane going anywhere.
Here's to our collective pasts, presents and futures. My coffee cup brimmeth over.
In the past few months, I have become acutely aware of behavioral system clashes – I realize so many of the behaviors I sought to adhere to at home clash with how people act and behave here. This is purely related to AIESEC, because culturally I find other differences, of a more pleasant kind. But the acute feeling of homesickness, (that I think I am proud of feeling, simply because it tells me of what are the things I valued and miss, as opposed to when I lived at home, and so many things were what I took for granted). But the feeling of being lost in translation, of having blank looks and stares on either sides, of people just not understanding that this (the introverted, quiet person) is who I really am, and I am not uncaring, its because I find the seemingly required change process, against what I believe in and stand for.
This is not meant to be a reflection on all the people I have met and worked with in this country, for even in the madding crowds, I have met people who simultaneously keep up a constant flow of bilingual translation and make an effort at empathy.
I speak to three of my closest friends almost everyday, and between our common sighs, crazy plans for the future and an understanding that we are trying to come to terms with our past and our present and our future, I realize that to me, it is truly love, friendship and all the sappy annotations personified when I know that despite them being tired, overworked, exhausted, battling different timezones, expensive text messaging rates and faulty internet connections, I can always reach out and chatter on. And despite the fact that sometimes it is very, very hard for me to explain what it really is that is going through my head, or for me to understand stories in fragments, it has kept me going, helped me smile, and helped me breathe when I wanted to panic and board a plane going anywhere.
Here's to our collective pasts, presents and futures. My coffee cup brimmeth over.
Labels: future, jordan journal, random musings
posted by saba at 10:51 PM, | 
you have no idea HOW MUCH i understand this post :)
lots of hugs from Romania!
Delia
P.S. InshAllah soon i will fix my PC and have internet at home again...i would love to catch up with you :) it's been a while ...