Saba Imtiaz: Everyday is a winding road..

disconnected.

thats the word.

A friend remarked today about how upset I seemed at our last national conference. But as the next one approaches - I have realized the same pre-conference depression is kicking in again. On one hand - I am incredibly excited about this conference - its the first large scale national conference that the LC is hosting; and we've put in a lot of hard work into it - in particular, the very exhausted, very dedicated and very hardworking OC.

Maybe its pms, maybe its too many sleepless nights where I have stayed up till 6 am working, praying, wishing.

Last night, well sometime around 5 am to be precise - I found myself sitting infront of my incredibly slow PC, finishing up a logo that would somehow be reflective of what the MC wants for conference, typing out the delegate mailer and crying because I was so depressed at where my life was heading and how - these days - no one understands what I have gone through or am going through. No one ever does, actually. I am just a crier.

I walked out of my room to get a glass of water. When I walked back in, the entire room was filled with this overpowering sense of flowers.

That was it.

I believe in the fact that whenever someone close to you dies, they come back to see you. And you can always smell flowers in the air.

And last night, after months of missing her intensely, I really felt my mother was there, somewhere. And that she somehow understood.

thankyou :)

Song of the week! Overkill, by Colin Hay - one of my favorite songs from the Scrubs soundtrack.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

This summer has been one of toughest experiences of my life as an AIESECer. I feel like I could write an 'Being LCP for Dummies' guide, just based on the past two months.

This summer..
I have felt alone, exhausted, sick, depressed, angry, overemotional.
I have been rude and distant.
I have cried and wondered whether it was all worth it.
I have spent countless nights awake worrying and planning.

I have watched friends turn into complete strangers and complete strangers turn into friends.

I have cherished every success that has come along.
I have tried to change.
I have pushed myself harder than I ever have.
I have found peace in other people's happiness.
I have laughed at silly jokes and sillier gossip.
I have been thankful for every kind word, everyone who took the time out to listen, everyone who told me to take a break (even if i didn't), every dinner invitation where I could actually relax for a change.

I wish could tell all of you how much it meant to me that you were there.

I don't know what I will be doing this time next year. But I hope that there will be a happier, kinder Saba reading this in July 2007.

the weather in karachi is beautiful these days - cloudy, breezy weather - the kind where you want to sit on the pavement and just watch the sights and sounds go by.

its been a strange week - marked with disappointment and success. i believe in karma - my aiesec life is cosmically balanced.

my personal life - hmmm.

the recent blasts in bombay reminded me yet again, how circumstances beyond your control can turn your life upside down, how thriving, beautiful cities become the target of such meaningless killing, how citizens bond together in times like these.

may God bless us all.

Have spent the past two days at National Presidents Meeting - two days of barely any sleep, glasses that kept getting dirty (the monkey got em, nida :P) and working, sharing, sweating and planning together..

..and incredibly inspiring moments. I like reflecting - it dredges up old memories and sounds long forgotten...

And I'm so glad we had this meeting - I hadn't met Nida since nat conf in January, and it felt really good to connect with her as LCP..considering we were in transition at that time and I won't see her until IC; since she's on the CC and flew out tonight. And bonding as a National Leadership Team and really getting to know each other - I'm very, very excited about this next one year :)

In other news..

My favorite nomad, Nicole is in town :D YAY!
Father Abraham just got a Pakistani twist thanks to the MC :P
Rabia is pretty close to getting the free lunch I promised her - exchangers rock! ;)
Puneet was angry and killed Sonya, his beloved laptop. Quality issues, I think.

Saba: So Puneet, since I'm not going to be at the selling training session; whats the best reply to the question if you want tea/coffee in a meeting..
Puneet: Now that depends. In Pakistani culture..
Nicole: You're telling her about Pakistani culture? Hahahah..
Puneet and Rahim highfive.

You know you've either become too multicultural when the Canadian/Indian CEED gives you a lecture on Pakistani culture..twice!

:P

When I went to sleep yesterday morning, around 2 am; all I was wondering was how was the rest of the day going to be like - considering I had three meetings with corporates scheduled; all at different ends of the city.

9 am: wake up and realize world has not collapsed, it is just the alarm clock.
10:45 am: leave for meeting#1 with puneet. we arrive early (though we thought we'd be late and informed them in advance) and walk leisurely through building, while puneet wondered if he could sneak off into the quality assurance building. (and then the finance director's office)
1:00 pm: get back to uni. eat lunch with mc. they have just come back from 2 meetings as well.
2:30 pm: leave with rahim for meeting#2. all powers of the universe combined to ensure logistical issues - yet we survived and had a great meeting!
4:00 pm: go back to uni to pick up stamp. rahim picks puneet up to go to meeting#4 (at the same time as mine, so i couldn't go)
4:30 pm: get to meeting#3. sign aiesec karachi's first mt form :D wish could dance around like mad or call eb.
5:00 pm: get back to uni, wait for rahim and puneet
6:00 pm: they're back. meeting went well. go meet mc who look ecstatic to get a break from planning.
8:00 pm: get home. football match is about to start, and there is plenty of great pizza which sister has ordered. deutschland wins. world makes sense!

this could have been longer and funnier. i am too tired to type now. doesn't matter. =)